It took a lot for me to put this post together. This shows my 'weak' side. I normally don't willingly put this side out there for the world to see. But it's life. My life. And that's what this blog is about.
On Sunday night, as I sat plucking away at my eyebrows which is a fairly regular ritual for me (I must've been related to Bert from Sesame Street in my former life...if former lives exist), my mind began to wander. I started thinking about the people who have asked me if and when I'm going to have kids (the appropriateness of those questions we'll discuss another time). That's when I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and looked myself straight in the eye. I stared for a second at myself. I want to have children, but I'm scared. What if I'm not good enough? I stared at myself a little longer. I got tears in my eyes thinking about the times when my child is going to come home upset from being picked on, and thinking of the right things to say to make it all better. The answers to their questions. What if I crack under pressure? And the list goes on and on. I guess the mere fact that I'm scared to begin with shows that I'm putting a lot of thought into the decision. That's good I guess. I suppose a lot of people go through this stage when planning to transition into the next phase of life. I certainly can't be the only one with self-doubt. I hope...
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2 comments:
Oh lordy - no, you're not the only one with self doubt.
You won't be a perfect mom. No one is. I think accepting that helped me though the panic of my own "what if I'm not good enough."
Willa and I are muddling through. Most nights I high five myself for a job well done. Other times, I fall into bed thinking about a savings account for her future psychologist bills.
In the end, when/if it's time, you'll figure out how to be the best mom possible (which I'm sure will be a great version of momness).
I too pass on the Bert genes, poor Willa.
Motherhood is a very scary thing, but I know that you will get through it. Like your friend said, you have good days and bad, but every single day is worth it when you look at your baby/toddler/teenager...I wouldn't trade it for the world. If you need to call me anytime for sanity, I'm always here for you!!!
PS...take Bert, so much better than the Magnum PI look you could have ;)
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